My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
