I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
