My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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