I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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