so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
