i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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