its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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