I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
