im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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