so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
