She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
