Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
