I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
