I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
