I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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