Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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