Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
