I just cut my nipple shaving
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
