careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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