I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
