when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
