ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
