i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
