the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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