I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
