Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
