This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
