Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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