you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
