my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
