and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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