Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I need to stop coming to work sober
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
