yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
you never un-have a 4some
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
