On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
