Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
