This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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