I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
