Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
