Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
