Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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