i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
