I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
