One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
