We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
