I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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