I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
