I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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