He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
babies were throwing up all over the place
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
