Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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