Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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