You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
